Let's try this again, shall we?

Well, here I am back after forever away.  Can't say I'll post daily or even weekly but I think I need to get back to it. 

Let's see, what I have been doing?  Losing weight - yes!  And no.  And yes again!  And then no again. Can you feel the wind on that roller coaster?!  

Going to school - may be going to school the rest of my natural life if I don't buckle down again.  I can only manage about 12 units per term on top of working full time, church, volunteer work and of course my boys. They do take a lot of time - but we have fun!  Bug is 13 and my Sweet Potato is 5 now.  It is an adventure.

Frustrating and infuriating.  I'm mad at myself because if I just stuck with anything I would be more where I want to be and not even further from it than I was when I first started this blog. But no.  BUT, I'm not here to beat myself up.  I'm here to start again. Current weight?  Not a clue.  Haven't stepped on a scale in months. So what am I doing this time?  No set diet - just a series of life changes that NEED to become permanent. And I mean NEED.  My health has taken a bit of a dive.  Blood pressure is up; I get winded doing simple things; my back, hip and knees ache terribly; I don't sleep well.  It's pretty awful.  I'm only 47 and if I plan on being an active and interesting 100-year-old I better turn this crap around.  Right now I've cut the carbs drastically.  No, I'm not doing Atkins but I need to get my carb craving under control because it leads to massive over-eating, a ton of excess calories, etc.  It's hard because I love bread. And pasta. And pasta with bread. So I'm cutting it out for a little while and then will add it back in slowly later.  Except for game nights.  I have given myself permission to eat & drink anything on game nights!

So yup, I'm back.  We'll see how well I stick with it this time! 

Gotta watch the grazing!

So the other night I was cooking and the hubby had made himself a plate of cheese and crackers and left it on the counter.  While I was chopping, boiling, steaming and stir-frying all my healthy stuff I was mindlessly eating the crackers and cheese.  I think I had 8 or 9 crackers and at least 3 of them I put cheese on.  When I suddenly realized what I was doing I was shocked.  I always "taste as I go" as I cook - so now I wonder just how many senseless calories and points I put in my body.  Obviously this is easily solved - make sure there isn't anything sitting around that I shouldn't be nibbling on while I work.  And of course, be a little more focused on just what my hands and mouth are trying to do behind my back!

On to more positive notes.  I met a friend at McDonalds for lunch today.  I was a little concerned about what I could have because they aren't exactly vegetarian friendly there.  I chose the Southwestern Salad with no chicken.  I also didn't have the tortilla strips that are supposed to go on top.  Later when I checked the nutritional information so I could enter my points I discovered that the salad, with the strips, dressing, and grilled chicken is normally 11 points.  Salad with the dressing, no strips, and no chicken?  Only 5 points!  That is a 6 point savings!  And there is quite a bit in there - I ended up leaving a few bites in the bowl.  That extra 6 points I then used for an afternoon treat of a Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte (3 points) and one of the new Petite Lemon Sweet Squares at Starbucks (3 points)!!!  I'm all about "lots" - I want a lot of food.  I get discouranged and sad when there is only a couple small things on my plate.  So to get the salad AND the latte AND the sweet treat?  WINNING!!  (thanks CS for going crazy in public!).

I swear - one of these days excersize is going to start coming back into the picture.  I just know it!  

Well, here I go.

My name is Wendie and I currently weigh 258 pounds.

There, I said it. And in a few minutes it will be out there for anyone with Internet access to read. Although admittedly, I'm not going to be advertising the fact that I'm writing this right away. If someone happens to stumble across it, fine, but I don't plan to fess up until I have a little more to show for myself. Am I chicken? You bet. Most women, even close friends, won't admit their weight to anyone. Sure, they'll say "I used to weigh 215 pounds" or "I just lost 35 pounds" but rarely will they just up and say "I weigh 258 pounds." That is just a massive number and yes, it's embarrassing and humiliating and mortifying. But lets face it; no one who has ever met me face to face would be completely surprised by it. I challenge anyone out there to look at me and say "Oh - I think she's a petite size 6." Nope, won't happen. 258 is down from my all time high of 294, but it's still kind of like saying "Well, I used to eat a dozen donuts every day, now I only eat 8."

I wasn't always superfat. I've never been thin and I'm not sure I ever could be and still be healthy. The lowest I've ever weighed in my adult life was 145lbs when I was in my early 20's. I worked out all the time and rode my bike for hours every week but I couldn't eat a grape without fear of tearing the seams of my pants. When I relaxed a bit and gained about 20lbs I actually looked better and felt better. Oddly I had more dates too. Probably because I felt better and more self-confident. What happened? Life, marriage, laziness. I stopped focusing on eating healthy food, stopped exercising, let myself go. And now I pay for it. I used to be in good shape too; yes still overweight but my cardiovascular system put most everyone else to shame. Now it is the cardiovascular system of a 42yr old fat wife & mother.

SO - what is my point here? Well, I've joined Weight Watchers and while my ultimate goal is to get to at least 170, right now I want to say goodbye to the 250's. I guess I figure if I blog about it and put it out there I'll have to be more accountable. I'll have to stick to the program more and try to find ways to fit more exercise in. And maybe by writing about my journey I'll be more invested in myself. Maybe I'll discover some stuff about myself and maybe something good will come of it. Anyway - either you will find this blog and follow it or you won't. Maybe it will mean something to you, maybe not. You may find me disgusting, or courageous, or stupid, or just another idiot writing about her life on the web as if anyone else cares. Well, I care and I'm doing it for me. You are welcome to come along for the ride.